


My Story

by imaginationtherapy



Series: The Kaleidoscope Project [28]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Poetry, Prose Poem, Recovery, bipolar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 16:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17124737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginationtherapy/pseuds/imaginationtherapy
Summary: This is my story, told in the only way I know how: poetic prose.





	My Story

Mental illness is like a silent war; a war that you fight every moment of every day. It's a war that no one else can see, most days. And most days, it's a war that the rest of the world tries to convince you isn't actually happening. You fight alone. You convince yourself that if you just try harder, smile more, and do the "right things", the war will actually end. You get very good at pretending that the war isn't happening. But stuffing that battle deep down only makes it worse. Trying to hide the war from the world means the sounds of battle just build up inside your mind. Pretending everything is just fine means you somehow lose the line between what is "normal" and what is very, very wrong but just seems normal because it's there every day. It's hard to seek help, because you are so used to the war that you can't even imagine what life is like without the war. It almost becomes comfortable, in its dark familiarity.

If you’re strong enough, you might ask for help. Privately, you seek out those who have fought before, or those who can teach you the skills to fight. You don’t tell anyone that you’ve sought “professional help”. Mercenaries. If the battle isn’t really happening, why are you hiring mercenaries. They train you well, you learn to swing the swords, dance the battle-dance, sidestep the oncoming blows. But it’s as if this war is an invisible one--you fight with a blindfold on. You can swing your sword expertly, place your feet without error, but you can’t see your enemy. You can’t ever land a blow. And you can’t ever dodge a blow. You continue swinging, fighting. But you feel yourself give in to the chaos, bit by bit.

You stumble. You feel yourself falling. You give one last, desperate shout to the mercenaries you hired. You’ll try anything. They hand you a prescription slip. But the outsiders, the ones who told you there is no war, they don’t know why you would take medication. Why would you take something that changes who you are? Maybe it’s the only way to find the person I was before the war.

And then suddenly, the war is gone. The noise stops and the smoke clears. The battle is over. But you find that you are still fighting, swinging your sword wildly. It takes awhile to realize the blindfold is gone. You can see again. It takes a while for you to calm down, to realize you don't have to constantly be ready to fight. To settle into a new normal. To realize that the world is a lot more interesting and colorful than it seemed before. You still jump sometimes. The enemy you were fighting has mostly vanished, but still shows up like bandits creeping out from behind trees. Sometimes its a ghost of a memory that causes you to lash out in fear. Sometimes it's really one of the enemy, sneaking around the corner. But you find that, now that you can see, your ability to swing swords and place your feet pays off. You are no longer swinging blindly, but you can place a blow, take out your enemy. It’s not that you were weak, unable to fight. It’s that you were blinded, handicapped. 

The fight isn't over, but its gotten easier. And as you learn to live without the constant war, you learn to talk about it. To open up. To try to use your story, your war, to reach out and help others. Because if there's one thing you remember, it's that feeling of being alone. And if there's one thing you want to do, it's to be there fighting alongside another warrior, helping them find the peace you have found.


End file.
